09 June 2008

Starting the Journal Journey

Yes, finally. After 3 months of wanting to put my thoughts, feelings and emotions on paper (e-paper, that is, I've finally done so.

On this page I shall begin to write about the whole experience of having little Vera come into my life. It's been one hell of a journey. I've not found impetus to write in a very long time. Now, the time has come and I feel compelled to hit the keyboard.

There is so much to say...to pour out. Where do I start? I'll just begin from today i guess.

Vera is 3 and a half months old today.

Looking at her, sleeping sleeping most of the time, you wouldn't be able to tell how hard she has fought to be here.

Everytime I read about the statistics, I think to myself: Why, given the grim figures, is this baby still here? Why has she defied all the odds? What is she trying to tell me?

The figures are indeed grim. Most babies miscarry. 50% don't make it to birth. Of the ones that do, 50% die within a few months. Of the rest that don't, 90% within the 1st year.

But one look at Vera, and all these numbers disappear.

She is one fiesty little girl. Medical literature deems such infants 'feeble'. Yes that's the term used. Feeble? Vera kicks and wails.

Although she probably can't see very well (her hazy corneas have yet to clear completely) she looks around aggressively, especially when we take her out. You can see her, all wide-eyed and alert.

When she first wakes up in the morning, well rested, she is so much fun to play with. ML (Medical literature) says that such babies may not smile. While Vera has yet to smile completely in response to us, it is clear especially in the morning when I play with her, stretching her hands, that she actually looks happy. She enjoys it when we pat her own hands on her chest.

There are 2 things I really wish for, for this little girl. One is that her corneas will clear and she can see Mummy and Daddy. Two, is just for one smile, when the time comes and she can see us. In the meantime, it's good enough that she responds to our touch and our voices and shows that she's happy.

The ML may say one thing. But, as I am slowly coming to realise, my daughter is telling me things too without so much as a single word. As much as reading the books, the website is important, more important is that I have learnt to read my daughter. And to let her show me who and what she is.

There is a quote, from a Christmas card I received from long ago. It says, "And a little child shall lead them."

Vera, Mummy and Daddy are following right behind you.