26 June 2008

Down Days

Some days can be hard. Yes, I've learnt to look on the bright side - you know, Vera is here, she is growing, she is starting to smile etc. but the "dark side" is definitely somewhere at the back of my consciousness, a place fraught with fear of the future, uncertainty and despair.

It would be a lie to say that everyday is a song now. Something someone says can awaken the "dark side" and it rears its ugly head.

"How old is your baby? 4 months? Should be able to crawl already right? Not yet?"
"Better raise the railing, she may turn over. Are you sure she can't turn over?"
"My son is so talkative now, he knows so many words!"
"When they greet you when you come home, it's a great feeling"

Comments like these serve as reminders of the what lies ahead for Vera. T18 infants may not be able to sit upright, let alone crawl or learn to walk. Most do not learn to speak, or at most can say a few words.

It's so easy to crumble when I start thinking of all these. The fact that Vera had no idea she'll be this way. My heart aches (yes have you really felt that before, literally an aching feeling where your heart is) and I cry uncontrollably. But it passes. I just let it out and carry on.

I guess we'll just have to put aside all "normal" developmental parameters and focus on Vera's own, as they reveal themselves to us.

As Stephen Hawking said, "When your expectations are zero, every little thing becomes a reason to celebrate."

Every minute improvement becomes a milestone.