01 January 2010

Brand New Year, Same Old Issue

Here I am at 4am on the first day of the new year, awake as usual.

Nothing new to announce, only the same old issue to grapple with - Vera's Obstructive Sleep Apnea (OSA).

It has gotten significantly worse. Whether it's to do with the weather, who knows. We used to get by with her waking at 5am due to difficulty in breathing. Over the past month, there have been more consecutive bad nights, where she struggles almost on the hour, sometimes every half hour between 1-6am.

Which is why my body clock has self-adjusted. Automatically, I'm awake from 3-6am now. Because I know during this time, Ian is unwakeable, and Beth needs rest because she takes over at 6am when Vera awakens. I catch some sleep till 9.

Recap of duty drill: Vera struggles with breathing. Pick her up. Elevated, the blockage clears momentarily. Rock her till she settles. Put her down again. Reposition Oxybunny. Repeat if unsuccessful.

But after one month of missing the deep sleep hours, I'm sitting in bed staring at Vera and thinking: 'This is crazy'. (Or maybe it's good training for the breastfeeding hours when the baby comes?)

We know what the solution is - CPAP, biPAP, oxygen - we just can't execute it. Therein lies the frustration - Why do other parents manage to get their kids on the mask, nasal cannular and we can't with Vera? Did they struggle with their kid too, but overcame it? Are we not trying hard enough? Giving in too easily to her protests?

After a month or so of blow-by oxygen (which I think is not much help but the only thing she tolerates), I tried my luck putting on the cannular twice yesterday.

The enthusiasm of the initial days gone, feeling defeatist even before I started. Expecting her to fight me, and giving in when she did.

The effect of poor sleep on Vera is increasingly obvious. Her tiredness discourages her from working at physio exercises in the day. She refuses to do her favourite sit down/stand up thingie.

I could go on. But I think that's enough griping for one night (morning).