Smiling A Little

Amidst her drowsy state most of the day, we're beginning to see her smile return like brief sun rays through the clouds.

I'm just so glad to see her smile again.

What Am I?

Someone recently asked me, "How I find the strength to go on? How faith helps me, was I an Atheist."

I'd better find out, I thought.

I googled Atheist: someone who does not believe in the presence of a God. Nope.

Free thinker seemed too broad and unfocused and Humanist seemed too focused on humans.

Then I found this other term; Agnostic (why does it sound like "caustic")

Agnostic: a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and probably unknowable; broadly :  one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of God or a god

I guess, at least for me, that comes closest to my belief.

Since I do not follow any religion, where do I get the strength to go on for Vera?

I don't know, but these words from philosopher Krishnamurti, though rather deep, ring a bell for me.

J. Krishnamurti, “A New Consciousness” from This Light in Oneself—True Meditation

“One has to be a light to oneself; this light is the law. There is no other law. All the other laws are made by thought and so are fragmentary and contradictory. To be a light to oneself is not to follow the light of another, however reasonable, logical, historical, and however convincing.

You cannot be a light to yourself if you are in the dark shadows of authority, of dogma, of conclusion. Morality is not put together by thought; it is not the outcome of environmental pressure, it is not of yesterday, of tradition.

Freedom is to be a light to oneself; then it not an abstraction, a thing conjured up by thought. Actual freedom is freedom from dependency, attachment, from the craving for experience. Freedom from the very structure of thought is to be a light to oneself. In this light, all action takes place and thus it is never contradictory. Contradiction exists only when the light is separate from the action.

The “ideal,” the “principle,” is the barren movement of thought, and it cannot coexist with this light; one denies the other. Where the observer is, this light, this love, is not. The structure of the observer is put together by thought, which is never new, never free. There is no “how,” no system, no practice. There is only the seeing that is the doing. You have to see, not through the eyes of another. This light, this law, is neither yours nor that of another. There is only light. This is love."

Leona is Four

In the world of Trisomy 18, parents lose their babies in utero, give birth to them stillborn, or lose them days or weeks after birth.

In Trisomy 18 terms, a child who makes it past her first year is a survivor.

Leona has just turned four.

To see that she made it past the initial years and is now thriving (you should see her lotus-root limbs), it's an awesome feeling.

To experience her grabbing fingers, joyful grins and pure gaze is a privilege.

The spirit is strong with this one.

Thrive on, little Lioness!

Wading In The Well

Wading in the well.

That's what I've been doing the last 2 months.

It's quiet, dark and damp.

I wade in endless circles, looking up at the sun that's so near yet so far.

We can't get Vera out of her stuporous state.

The medication for her seizures, they knock her out. She wants to wake, but can't.

Our worst fear is that Vera can't seem to focus. She doesn't look at us now, even up close. We suspect her sight has been affected.

When we call her, she no longer turns towards us. (Is her hearing affected as well?)

Yet, the girl shows signs of life. Her left hand moves with a vengeance - swiping, scratching, it's very much alive. Fighting like a one-arm bandit.

Vera, fight on. We gotta get out of this well.

Nightmares

I had a nightmare about Vera. I was on a motorbike. I rounded a corner and saw her in her pink top and grey shorts faced down on top of another child on the tarmac.

An accident.

Instead of going to her, I swerved away.

Suctioning Seriously Sucks

Warning: This is a ranting post.

I'd never thought I'd rant in a post, but here it is.

Suctioning your own kid sucks.

Sticking a tube down your kid's throat, agitating her to gag and cough sucks. Best part, she resists with all her might and we can't get the secretions out.

Seeing tears from her eyes each session, with no crying sounds, and you're the one causing it. My tears? They drip from my heart.

I'd not expected to suction her for so long after discharge. Discharge right? Well already that's why discharge right?

Wrong.

Full recovery of lungs, will take months. Secretions will therefore take months to clear. I'd been eager to discharge her. In all her past admissions, the need for suctioning at home stopped after a week back home. Things go back to normal.

It's a nightmare this time. It's been 5 weeks I've done this.

For Vera, it's been suctioning every day since mid-March, that's 4 months. For a girl who's never needed suctioning at all when well.

I just want this suctioning nightmare to end.