At My Lowest Point

2 weeks ago I hit rock bottom.

Suctioning frequency increased, requiring waking up in the middle of the night every night. This is coming home following 2 intense months of near-death hospital drama.

It reached a point I wanted to send Vera away - back to the hospital. "No coming home until suctioning zero and back to normal sleep hours." I thought to myself. (I had started suctioning in March. It is June and I am still suctioning.)

The only problem was, sending her back to hospital would just expose her to infection again.

Here I am, stuck in a situation I can't change that's wreaking havoc on all of us.

Even Daen has wised up. He came into the room once and saw me tending to his sister and said, "Oh, not available" and walked away.

In the good times of the past, we had much more time together.

He's used to the busyness of suctioning Vera in the morning by now. As a result, he readies himself for school with less prodding - less attention, more independent.

Vera's still not back to normal hours. Until she does, our lives can't really go back to normal.

US Time Girl

Vera came back from hospital on US time zone. The no-day-no-night of hospital wards altered her circadian rhythm. When we wake up at 8am she'll fall asleep. She'll wake at 6pm.

We took turns to stay up with her through the night and it was terrible for us.

I refuse to follow her time. She's got to follow us instead. Now I just let her be at night while we sleep. I wake occasionally to check. And yes, we've resorted to help from sedatives.

I'm banking on Mr Sun to work his magic, so working in as much sun time as possible.

Vera's lost all her usual movements except for one arm. But I can't dwell on that right now. Gotta get her back to Singapore time first.

Suctioning is still on going with no end in sight. I'm hoping Mr Sun will dry up her lungs too.