I Don't Understand

It baffles me.

I don't understand why Vera is still here. I don't understand why she is so happy every day. I don't understand why she is doing as well as she is. I don't understand why she is showing improvement far beyond what's expected of her. I don't understand why she's been born with such a dreaded condition, only to be spared the worst of it.

As many of my friends' grapple with serious lung and heart conditions and loss of their Triers, all the more I ask: "What have we done to deserve Vera?" "What have we done to deserve the relatively smooth ride thus far?"

The humbling answer is: "Nothing."

Which makes it even harder to understand. 

But it is through the un-understandable, that we learn that not all of life is knowable.

And the best thing to do is simply accept the mystery of grace. And be thankful big time.

The Decision to Freelance

I have been thinking about whether I should get a full-time job.

The obvious perks: Paid leave, medical insurance, employer-paid retirement savings, and steady income.

But there's always a nagging worry at the back of my mind. What if Vera falls sick? Will I be able to just take off at a moments' notice? Knowing that with her, a bout of illness is a 2 week affair. And because we've committed to round-the-clock personal care for her whenever she's at the hospital, I'll have a shift to do.

Also by working full-time, will I get to spend enough time with Vera?

It becomes clear to me that I have to freelance.

It means that I can decide whether to take up a project. If I prefer to spend time with Vera or bring her to the doctor's, I can choose not to take up any. If she falls sick, I can stop work immediately.

It seems to make sense.

I am so thankful that I have a job that allows me to freelance.